The biggest cause of unhappiness is the belief that we should be happy.
Today, we assume that happiness is the natural human state—that it’s normal to be happy. As a result, if you’re not happy, something must be wrong with you. In Western culture, we often see mental suffering as a defect, a sign that our mind is not working properly. On top of suffering, we criticize ourselves for being weak or broken—which makes us even more unhappy. And so, the vicious cycle continues.
Dr. Russ Harris aptly calls this the “Happiness Trap.” Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers tools and perspectives to escape this trap, but the most fundamental shift, to me, is moving away from the belief that it’s normal to be happy because… it’s not!
Why Our Minds Aren’t Designed for Constant Happiness
To understand this, we need to understand how the human mind evolved:
For tens of thousands of years, survival for our ancestors depended on being hyper-aware of threats. Life was full of dangers, and those who were best able to detect and avoid threats were the ones who survived. Through evolution, our brains became hardwired this way.
Today, even though we don’t live in constant physical danger, our modern minds still work this way. They are constantly scanning for threats, which can cause:
Social anxiety - Being excluded from your tribe was once a matter of life and death. Today, we still compare ourselves to others to ensure we fit in, and we fear situations that might lead to negative judgment, like public speaking.
Overthinking - The ability to anticipate danger helped our ancestors prepare for the worst. Now, this manifests as overanalyzing emails from your boss or worrying excessively about the future.
Fear of failure - Avoiding risks once kept our ancestors alive. But today, this tendency can paralyze us, preventing us from taking chances that could lead to growth.
Suffering Is a Normal Part of Life
ACT proposes that the normal thinking processes of a healthy human mind will naturally lead to psychological suffering.
Our mind simply isn’t designed to sit back and say, “All is well; enjoy yourself.” Even when things are objectively good, it’s busy scanning for potential dangers—something to fix, fear, or improve.
The normal thinking processes of a healthy human mind will naturally lead to psychological suffering.
To make matters more challenging, consider the complexities of modern life: work stress, loneliness, relationship issues, illness, social isolation, financial problems—the list goes on. When we add this to our already threat-oriented brains, it becomes clear just how difficult it is to remain happy for even short periods of time
Happiness Is Real, It’s Just Not a Constant State
To be clear, happiness does exist. We can find it in certain moments—the birth of a child, a successfully passed exam, or a beautiful sunrise. But it’s not an enduring state. As long as we pursue happiness as an end-goal, we’ll never arrive—and we will feel bad about not arriving (remember the vicious cycle).
Once we accept that suffering is normal, we can learn to adapt to this reality and live a life that feels meaningful, even if it isn’t always happy. I’m a big advocate for acting and living according to your core values. Core values are the guiding principles that reflect what truly matters to you, and they allow you to live meaningfully, which is not the same as being happy all the time.
What’s Next?
ACT offers practical tools to help us deal with our mind’s natural tendencies towards the negative. I’ll share more about these tools in future articles.
For now, remember this:
The next time you feel unhappy, know that it’s completely normal. There is nothing wrong with you.
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